My Testimony

“Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.”

This is a testimony of God’s amazing grace in the life of a wretched sinner… me. I have been so blessed to grow up in a loving Christian home. I have wonderful parents who love me and show me that love all the time, and I have two wonderful brothers. I gave my life to Christ at an early age, and have grown up going to Calvary Chapel Southeast Portland.

My middle school years were very challenging for me. I am a perfectionist, and while that can be a strength, in my life it has also proven to be a weakness.

It was in my middle school years that I began to doubt my salvation, and because of that, fear was very much a part of my life. Then one night the Lord gave me a verse – Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” I began to read that verse over and over and every time I did that, I felt so much peace. The struggle wasn’t necessarily gone, but as I read and trusted God’s promise, I found rest.

My high school years were very blessed, but also very hard. I still struggled with my doubts as well as perfectionism. I began to struggle in my thought life and to become very weighed down with guilt because of it. I felt so ashamed of myself and felt like the Lord could never use me. Then one day I admitted to a friend how much I had been struggling and how guilty and terrible I felt inside about myself. I will never forget how she responded to me. I was totally expecting her to love me less and not want to be friends anymore, and yet instead she showed me so much love. I am so, so thankful for that, because in seeing her love for me, I was better able to see Jesus’ perfect, unconditional love for me. Even though this time in my life was so incredibly hard and painful, looking back I find myself so thankful for it, because the Lord needed to teach me a lesson. I needed to learn that it is not about me, it is about Him. It’s not about what I have done or haven’t done; it’s about what He has already done on the cross. It hurt so much to come face to face with the fact that I am such a wretched sinner, and yet I had to become face to face with that fact in order for me to see how precious and sweet the grace of God really is. There’s a song that really spoke to me during that time, and the chorus goes like this: “Your grace, still amazes me. Your love, is still a mystery. Each day, I fall on my knees, ‘cause Your grace still amazes me.”  I had to recognize that I am such a sinner, and once I did that, Jesus’ grace became so much more amazing and so much sweeter to me.

In the midst of all these struggles, the Lord gave me a heart for missions. As I reflect on it, I believe that the desire to be a missionary and these struggles went hand in hand. If I am to tell others how much they need God’s grace, I myself needed to see how desperate I am for that same grace.  

Today, I sit here at Potter’s Field Missions Training School, so thankful that the Lord chooses to use sinners. I am thankful that His strength is made perfect in our weakness. I still have my struggles, I still have my fears and my doubts, but daily I need to remind myself that His grace is sufficient and His love never fails, even when I do. Daily I need to remind myself of Isaiah 41:10 and trust in His promises, even when it’s hard and I don’t feel like it. Daily I need to come to the feet of Jesus, recognizing how imperfect I am, and yet how perfect His love for me is. I am so thankful that not only does He choose to use weak and broken people, He takes delights in doing so, in order that He might receive all the glory.