Thursday, May 30, 2013

God IS Good

There is so much on my heart and my mind, so much I feel that I could write that I don't even know where to begin, but I will begin by saying this, God is good. He is so very good, through all the ups and downs in life, I can confidently say that He is good and I am so very thankful for His unending, undeserved goodness to me.

I got back home from Montana on May 4th, and while it is a blessing being able to be home again, it was really hard to leave Montana. I had been home a couple times in the last 10 months, but both times were short and I wasn't really able to "settle in" - I was either preparing to leave for Costa Rica or to return to Montana. When I came home in May, it was hard for me to realize that my time with Potter's Field had come to a close, and I felt a strange let down - which can maybe be compared to the let down one might feel after Christmas, although for me it was much harder, and if I'm honest, it still is hard for me. When I came back from Costa Rica and went to Montana for my month of reentry, I wasn't really struggling with being back in the states - not that I didn't miss those in Costa Rica, but I felt strangely content and was so thankful to be where I was, and was so blessed to spend that month pondering all that the Lord had done. I felt it harder once I returned home, which I think for me is because, like I said, it was the let down of everything coming to a close. I also felt overwhelmed by the questions people asked, such as, "So what's next?" I knew that I would be asked questions such as these, but I quickly learned that knowing this doesn't make it easy when it happens. For me, each time I am asked this is a reminder that I really don't know what's next, and I struggle so much with that - more than I thought I would. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold it against anyone for asking me questions such as these, in fact, I'm actually very thankful that people have asked me and are showing an interest in my life and what God's doing, it just has been hard and something through which the Lord is growing me. He is teaching me to be content even in this season of uncertainty. 

I got home from Montana on a Saturday, and then the following Thursday I went into the hospital for IV therapy to try to rid my lungs of infection and bring my lung function back up. I had been expecting this soon upon my arrival home, but not quite so soon! Nonetheless, I know that God's timing is best, and though my hospital stay was also longer than I had anticipated, He taught me much through it and I'm so thankful. For me, it was especially challenging to just have that time where I couldn't be busy and active - especially after being busy for the last 10 months! I knew that one of the reasons the Lord brought me there was to MAKE me rest. He also taught me things that I don't think I would have learned otherwise. One of the lessons was the lesson of not hanging onto that which He has already forgiven. This is a lesson He has been teaching me time and time again for such a long time, and one I thought I had learned, but I found myself once again struggling with guilt and trusting in the Lord's grace and forgiveness. For the first days of my hospital stay, I was hooked up to my IV for a considerable portion of the day, and so I had to take it with me (and I learned what a bad idea it is to put my cell phone on the stand - but that is a whole other story) wherever I would go. It wasn't terrible, but it was a hassle. I would stub my toe on the stinkin stand and it would just be nice when I was disconnected and FREE. Well, in the midst of all this, the Lord brought me to Romans 8, which has always been a favorite passage of mine.
"There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death." (Romans. 8:1-2) Verse 2 especially stood out to me - Jesus has made me free! I thought about me being hooked up to my IV, and what a challenge it was to constantly drag that with me everywhere. I realized how I don't have to drag around my past, constantly stubbing my toe and stumbling over it, because Jesus has set me free from it. When my nurse would unhook me from my IV, I didn't beg to be hooked up again, I didn't take the stand with me just because I was so attached to that (how weird would that have looked haha), but instead I took advantage of my time being free. The same is true with my past - it is so silly when I drag it around behind me because Jesus has already freed me from it. I don't ever have to be hooked up to that again. PRAISE THE LORD! I listened to a sermon this morning and the pastor said, "Never remind God of something He has chosen to forget, and He has chosen to forget our sins." I'll say it again, PRAISE THE LORD!

When I was in the hospital, I happened to see a little baby just lying there on the hospital bed in the room next to mine - nobody seemed to be in the room with it. My heart instantly went out to that child! Sometimes I would be in my room and I would hear a baby crying, and how sad that was to hear, not because I was annoyed by it, but it was sad because in my mind, babies shouldn't have to be in the hospital. This was only the 2nd time of me being hospitalized in my life, but there was a little baby there who has the same thing I do and he was only 2 weeks old. To make matters worse, I asked about the baby next door to me (because I had seen it), and I heard that it was all alone - nobody was there with it. My heart broke. I really struggled with the thought of a baby being there with nobody there to love it and comfort it. It really put things in perspective for me. I wanted so badly to go and hold the baby, and I tried, but there are far too many rules in the hospital that hindered me from doing so. I just wanted to be able to love it. I was really burdened, and I kept asking questions about the baby - though nobody was allowed to tell me ANYTHING I managed to get some information. :) There were multiple babies there so it was really hard to keep track of which was which - especially when they weren't allowed to say names. I found out that the baby wasn't alone, although it is not unheard of for a baby to be there alone, and that even though she had a messed up family life, she now has a foster mom there who is very loving. This made me feel better - but I still wanted to go see her! The night before I went home, I was questioning my nurse about the baby in the next room, and I asked him if it would be okay if I visited her after I was discharged (because then I wouldn't be a patient anymore), and if it was okay with the foster mom. He asked me how I knew there was a foster mom but I wouldn't tell him (I protect those who give me information haha), and he told me it would be okay, but I just needed to be sure to get permission.
The next day was very long and didn't go as planned, but I did finally get discharged and my Mom went and asked the foster mom if I could come in to visit the baby. She gave permission and I was able to go and visit sweet baby Stevie :) What a blessing to end my hospital stay by visiting her.

Being there at the hospital, I once again learned how everywhere I go is a mission field. It was so easy to focus on myself when I was in my room, but as I got out around others, I realized how there are so many there who are hurting, whether for themselves or for a loved one. When I got out and looked for ways to minister to others, I felt so blessed myself. The Lord uses us even in our weaknesses, especially in our weaknesses.
One of the songs that came on when I was in the hospital that really ministered to me is called "Aslan" by Kendall Payne. The lyrics that really spoke to me are these:

"But He won't say the words you wish that He would 
Oh, He don't do the deeds you know that He could
He won't think the thoughts you think He should
But He is good, He is good"

How true these words are. So often the Lord doesn't do what I wish He would do, He doesn't do what I know He could do, He doesn't think like I think He should think, but He IS good. Are there things I don't understand in this life? For sure. I don't understand why babies and little kids have to be in the hospital, why parents leave their children, or why we have to walk through some of the things we do, but I do KNOW that He is good. I am so thankful that He doesn't say, do, and think the things I think He should, because His ways are so much better than mine. Even though it hurts to see the pain and suffering of others, I am so comforted to know that He is good and He will be faithful to care for all those children. If I don't even know them and I love and care for them, how much more does He love and care for them, who intimately knows them. He doesn't even have to try to get the information out of the nurses, He just KNOWS. God is seriously so good! 

During our month of reentry in Montana, we worked through a book called "Blueprint for Life", and we had to write down our dreams, goals, etc. One of my goals was to be able to go to the hospital and visit children. How cool it is that the Lord helped me with that goal in a way that I wouldn't have expected.

I will close with something short I wrote while in Costa Rica, because lately I have been needing to remember that God's strength IS perfected in my weakness, and that even my weaknesses are a testament of His love for me, because my weaknesses are what draw me closer to His side. Thank You, Lord, for choosing to use weak people for Your glory.

2 Corinthians 12:5
"On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses."
Paul boasted of his weaknesses. How contrary to human nature! Yet Paul knew his weaknesses kept him dependent upon the Lord, thus his weaknesses became his strengths, his weaknesses became God's strength magnified in him. We can either let the enemy use our weaknesses to tear us down, or we can let God use them to build us up in His strength.


Thank you all so very much for your prayers for me these past months. I am so thankful, and I still appreciate your prayers as I seek His direction for the future. I need to keep my eyes fixed on Him!