I want to thank you all for your continued prayers as I’m here in Uganda. It’s strange to think that I’ve been here for over six months. In some ways it feels like I haven’t been here that long, but in other ways it feels as though I’ve been here forever.
As I reflect on these last six months, I find myself very thankful for all that the Lord has been teaching me. I’m thankful that He has been my constant source of encouragement and strength for each day. Surely He is forever faithful! My time here has reminded me of this.
As I’ve said many times before, I absolutely love the children here, and I feel beyond blessed that I get to be with them. Though my job at the school is now tutoring older children rather than helping in the baby class, I still love spending time with the babies when I can. They are truly so hungry for love, and in giving it I find much joy.
I will be honest and say that being here is not always easy. Yes, I am very thankful to be here, but this does not mean I don’t have challenging and discouraging days. It’s easier to speak of the blessings rather than the challenges, and sometimes I fear speaking of the challenges lest I sound too negative. I say that so that the next part of this post will be read in the right way. It’s simply me trying to be more real about life here, and asking for continued prayers. It’s easy to post a picture on Facebook and leave it at that, but sometimes I find myself wanting to share more.
I’ve always been one to put too much pressure on myself, and legalism and guilt have been things I have often struggled against in my life. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that these struggles still exist in me, even in Africa! Sometimes ministry is hard, and sometimes I feel so inadequate and ineffective. Sometimes what I’m doing doesn’t seem like enough, and I find myself feeling like I’m in some way failing at this thing called being a missionary.
Just this last week, as I was at Bible study in a nearby village, I was praying. I don’t honestly remember my prayer, but I was pouring my heart out to the Lord, and found myself asking “Why am I here?” I don’t say this to sound as though I don’t want to be here, because I really do. It simply was one of those days when I found myself questioning things. I know that the Lord has called me here, but I was questioning why, as I felt like I wasn’t enough. As I was sitting there praying with my eyes closed and head bowed, two of “my” kids, little Brighton and Edidah, came up to me, seeking to get my attention. I feel as though this was the Lord giving me the answer. They are why I’m here. Those kids, and not just those kids, but the many that I get the privilege of loving on almost every day. Deep in my heart, I always knew this, but sometimes I need to be reminded. God knows this.
The next day was the last day of term two at UKP Academy, and I wanted to do something special for Melon and Susan, two of the girls I tutor. I’ve been encouraged by the progress they have made, and I love these girls so much. I decided I would paint their nails, and so I took them up to the house that last day of school. I was so blessed by their excitement and the joy on their faces. I wished that we spoke the same language and I could have talked to them as I painted their nails, but our conversations are still very limited. Still, I said what I could, and I believe we all were blessed. This too was a reminder of why I’m here. I thought about how these girls probably have never had anyone paint their nails and take time like that for them. I don’t want that in any way to sound like I did something good, because I only did what God placed on my heart to do, and I can honestly say it’s all Him. I say this to share how the Lord encouraged me, and how He so sweetly used that time to remind me of the purpose and plans He has for me here in Uganda.
I know that the enemy would love for me to spend my days feeling inadequate and ineffective. He would love for me to feel like I’m failing, and yet Jesus continually speaks truth into my life. Jesus reminds me of my desperate need for Him, and He reminds me that despite my feelings, His grace is sufficient. He reminds me that He can use even my weaknesses for His glory, and that being here in Africa has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with Him. Jesus tells me not to fall into the pit of self condemnation and defeat, but to rise up and walk in the plans He has for me here, and to let His joy be my strength.
The thing is, my focus can’t be on myself or my feelings, how I feel I’m doing or if I feel like I’m doing enough or not. Focusing on myself will either lead to pride or despair, but focusing on Jesus is what brings peace and joy. If my focus is solely on others and their needs, I’ll become overwhelmed and worn out, but as I look to Jesus, I will find He will always equip me and give me grace for each day.
To be sure there have been days when I miss home and my life there, yet I know that if I went home and lived the American life I sometimes miss, my heart would have a huge hole in it. There is nothing more fulfilling and rewarding as in living the life God has created me to live.
