“The Lord has done great things for us,
And we are glad.”
~Psalm 126:3
Truly, the Lord has done great things for for Zack and me. I can say this with full confidence as I remember these last couple of years...our time of courting and then our marriage which began soon after that. I can look back and see God’s hand over it all, and my heart is glad as I remember these things. I cannot deny His faithfulness to us.
I must admit, however, that in the recent past, and even into the present, the words “we are glad” have not really been upon my lips or even on my mind. It seems we have been walking through a difficult season, and at times I have felt anything but glad. My heart has felt so heavy day after day, and at times I’ve wondered what is even wrong with me because I know I have so many reasons to rejoice and be thankful. Why then is this heaviness persisting?
I know that this is a difficult season for many, not just for us. We are not alone in the struggles we face and the discouragement we battle. This pandemic has been trying on many souls, on many marriages, on so many families.
In this season, however, we have been greatly blessed. I became pregnant with our first baby! We cannot wait to meet our precious baby boy, Caleb Daniel. I have loved being pregnant. I have loved feeling him move around inside my womb and kick. I love feeling him respond to me when I talk to him and press on my belly. Now when I see babies, my heart swells with excitement as I think of the day I get to hold my own, and how special that is going to be.
In the midst of the excitement of my pregnancy, there have still been many challenges and struggles we have faced. Some days I have felt so discouraged, and then on top of the discouragement I have felt tremendous guilt because I think that this should be such a happy time in my life and I should not be feeling downcast. I have felt guilt each time I break down into tears, wondering if Caleb knows I’m crying and hoping that I’m not upsetting him. As I often have crumbled under the weight of discouragement, I have wondered how I’m going to be a good mother. I’ve wondered how I’m going to point my son to Jesus when honestly I have had a hard time going to Him myself lately.
In the midst of the struggles and the heaviness that has been upon me, I must still remember that the Lord HAS done great things for us, and He will continue to do so, for such is His manner towards His children! I’ve wrestled against so many thoughts, and there have been days I have even felt angry with God, somehow convincing my troubled heart that He no longer cared for me. I’m learning to be real with God. I know that He does care for me, and He truly is faithful. I’m learning that when I face doubts and frustrations, instead of hiding them and pretending like they are not there, I can honestly bring them before Him and lay them down. It is when I do this that I find peace, that I once again see the love He has for me, and again realize that He truly is my faithful Heavenly Father. He is my Shepherd, and He will lead me through this valley. He sees the tears I cry and He knows my pain.
I love verses 5-6 of Psalm 126 -
“Those who sow in tears
Shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing,
Bringing his sheaves with him.”
Though this has been a season of weeping, I’m going to choose to remember that God has still done great things for us, even in this season. I believe that joy still comes in the morning, and that God is still faithful to give joy for mourning and beauty for ashes.
