Thoughts about Missions...

Lately, I have been thinking about missions. I realized that it has been over 6 months since I left for Belize, and it seems so crazy that it was that long ago. I really do miss it. I miss the people there so much. I have been thinking of "my" girls there a lot lately and I sure miss them. I miss our times at camp, I miss our talks, our devotions, and I miss their laughter and joy. I am so thankful for those girls and the blessing they were, and continue to be, to me.

I am so very thankful for the sweet reminders I have of those in Belize, and how the Lord has been once again stirring my heart for missions. Honestly, there was a time, only about a month or so ago, when I seriously doubted whether or not I would ever become a missionary. It was a very hard time in my life, and in my heart I was so afraid. My mind and heart were filled with anxious thoughts and terrifying "what if's", and I thought there was no way on earth that I could ever be a missionary. I remember telling God that I didn't want to be a missionary anymore, that I just couldn't do it. I cried so much during that prayer...that was one of the hardest things I ever prayed. I felt like the desire to be a missionary that had been inside my heart for so long was suddenly gone, and it really hurt. It felt like not only had I lost my heart's desire, but my joy was gone too. Thinking about my past mission trips, and future ones, often helped me during hard times, as I would remember God's faithfulness and His calling upon my life. It was weird and scary to not want to remember any of those things anymore, and to give up the desire that I had held inside my heart for so long.

The story doesn't end there...because God is so faithful. I am so thankful for a God who knows me intimately, who understands me, who loves me, and who is patient with me. I can't really explain how it happened, but slowly, as I began to wait on Him, I began to again long for missions, to long to serve the Lord in that way. With that renewed passion and desire in my heart, comes joy, and I am so incredibly thankful for God's faithful work in my life. I am thankful for those in my life who remind me of the things God has done in my life and has yet to do, and I am thankful that each day the Lord is faithful to remind me Himself.

I would be lying if I said that the fear is gone. I would be lying if I said I have no doubts. But, in a way, I am so thankful that God is taking me through this time. You see, as I said, I have had the desire to be a missionary for awhile now. I have felt pretty certain that that is where the Lord has been leading me, but still sometimes I would wonder "Is this God's desire for me, or is it only my desire?" I desperately want to do what God wants me to do, and so this thought was concerning to me at times. I now know without a doubt that it IS HIS desire and calling on my life.
As I said, I had told God that I no longer wanted to be a missionary, and I felt that I totally had lost that desire, and yet, still I knew in my heart that I was running from what He wants for me. During those days when I seriously doubted and feared, I knew deep down in my heart that God had called me to missions, and that if I turned my back on missions then I would be turning my back on God's calling on my life. I think that it why it hurt so much to contemplate the thought of not being in missions, because not only was it my desire, but it was HIS desire too. I am so thankful that He revealed that to me.

As I said before, I still have my fears, my worries, my concerns, but God has reminded me lately that I don't have to be strong enough, or good enough, or brave enough to be a missionary, because HE is. He has reminded me that when He places a calling upon someone's life, He also gives them the strength to fulfill that calling. He doesn't just leave us on our own and say "Good luck with that". I am so thankful for that.

In church on Sunday we sang the song "Made Me Glad" - that has always been one of my favorites. I love the chorus:

"You are my shield, my strength, my portion,
Deliverer, my shelter, Strong tower
My very present help in time of need"

This song reminded me that He IS my strength and my shield, and that it is actually a good thing that I recognize my weakness and my inability to do it on my own. Living by His strength and His grace is the best way to live.

I am so blessed, and so incredibly thankful to God for His faithfulness in my life, and for the people He has placed in my life to remind me of His faithfulness. As I said at the beginning, I am so thankful for my girls in Belize, and I am even thankful for the aching in my heart to be with them, because it reminds me of the Lord's working in my life. I am thankful that my time in Belize truly was a life changing experience. I am thankful that the Lord has renewed the desire in my heart to be a missionary, and I am thankful for His grace and strength to fulfill that calling He has placed upon my life.






Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:3-4

My Time in Belize...

Well, I have been back from Belize for about 2.5 weeks now. It is so great to be back home with my family, though I am so thankful for the time I had in Belize.

It is sort of hard telling people about Belize...because it feels like so much happened and it is hard knowing where to even begin. I guess I would begin by saying that Proverbs 16:9 is so true - "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps" - as well as Romans 8:28 - "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose". Though at the time I don't think I realized it, I went to Belize with plans of how the trip would go and my expectations of what things would be like, though I quickly found that things weren't as I expected. Even in this hard realization, I also found the promise of Romans 8:28 to be so true. There are so many times this summer that I have seen God use hard circumstances and trials for my good.

I was a little nervous about traveling by myself, as I have never traveled on my own and since I am directionally challenged I worried about getting lost and missing my connecting flight. I also knew it would be so hard to say goodbye and didn't know how I would handle it...I figured I would be very emotional. The Lord was so good and gave me such a peace through it all. Though it was hard saying goodbye, it wasn't as difficult as I had thought. It may sound silly, but I figured I could cry after I had left, and not cry in front of everyone. Once I got to my gate I could be sad and work through it. Yet, again, the Lord somehow gave me peace and no tears came. I found my connecting flight okay and even had time to call my parents one last time before boarding the plane for Belize. I was a little bit scared when I reached Belize and had to go through customs and collect my bags by myself, and yet still I felt the peace that surpasses understanding.

That night was a different story. I think it was partly due to the fact that I had been up since 3:15AM and so I was exhausted, but suddenly I realized how far from home I was, and how long I would be in Belize. It was then that I broke down and cried, missing my parents and wondering how in the world I would ever make it the next 2 months. Already it felt like I had been gone forever.

The first week went by incredibly slow, and I think it is partly because I had expected time to go by really fast. See, when I came in years past with the mission team, for the most part time flew by. We would only have a week or 10 days to cram in tons of activities, work, and outreaches, and so we were busy from morning to evening. Now that I was actually living in Belize and doing normal day to day things, time didn't move so quickly. Again, I would often think, "how am I ever going to make it?" I learned early on to take things one day at a time.

Through all of the challenges and fears I faced in Belize, the Lord never once failed me. Mornings were the hardest for me, as that is when I found myself missing home the most, and yet the mornings were also the sweetest as I was able to get away and have quiet time with the Lord. Those times were the best! I simply cannot describe how good the Lord is and how He met me. It wasn't necessarily anything profound or even Him directly speaking to me, but I felt His presence with me, and that gave me the strength I needed. I was reminded of the song lyrics "When we see You we find strength to face the day, and in Your presence all our fears are washed away" and that is so true. To be sure I had my hard times, and yet every time I cried out to the Lord He was there. He is so, so faithful.

One of the things I was most excited about doing in Belize was spending time with the girls that go to Calvary Chapel Cayo. I wanted to build friendships and be able to have devotional times with them. Soon after I got to Belize, Al Wylie and Nate Fanno, some friends from back home, came to do a week long youth camp with the kids from Calvary Chapel Cayo. To be honest, I was a little stressed about this as I was to be one of the leaders for the girls and didn't feel ready at all. Yet this week was one of the highlights of the my trip. I had such a sweet time with the girls and the Lord was so good and we connected very well. By the end of the week I had grown to love them all so much and hated that camp had to be over. I hope the girls were as blessed by the camp as I was! I loved spending time in the Word with them and seeing their hearts for the Lord.

It was also such a blessing being able to get to know the ladies of Calvary Chapel Cayo. I loved our visits and am so blessed to now know more of my sisters in the Lord.

I struggled a lot with fear while I was there. One of my biggest fears was what if something happened to me and I wasn't able to see my family again. I know, "what if's" are very dangerous because in my mind a lot can happen and if I focused on the "what if's" I would find myself fearful and discouraged. I had to once again learn to take every thought captive and trust. All my days are in the hand of Jesus and I had to trust that.

I was so blessed to meet several different teams that came to Belize. I connected with so many on the teams and was so blessed by their friendship and encouragement. It was so cool to meet fellow believers and it really opened my eyes to see that the church is so much more than our own body of believers at home - the church is all around the world. I loved spending time with my new friends, although I hated having to say goodbye. I kept thinking, "Man, I miss everyone back home so much and yet now there are always going to be people I will miss..." and yet I guess that is how life is. I guess it reminds us that this life is not about us, it's about serving the Lord wherever He places us, even if it means missing people. It also makes us more excited for the day in Heaven when we will all be together forever.

While in Belize the Lord used many different songs to bring me encouragement and comfort. One of the songs that brought me comfort was "Sufficient" by Adie Camp:

Hear my heart Lord as I cry out to You
Hear my prayer Lord and carry me through
In Your mercy in the promise You made
Be my strength Lord when my strength fades away

'Cause when I am weak Your strength is complete
It's perfect
Completely all I need
Sufficient for me
Your grace and peace are perfect
Completely all I need
You're all that I need

In my weakness I'm finding Your strength
In my sorrow a gentle embrace
Through the seasons of laughter or pain
You are listening
When I call out Your name

I'll find You when I seek
I'll look for You with all of my heart
And I'll find You when I'm weak

'Cause You are strong

Hear my heart Lord as I cry out to You
Hear my prayer Lord and carry me through
Carry me through

I love that song because it described so perfectly how I felt. I realized that I had often sung those words "You are all that I need" and yet did I really mean it? In Belize I had to learn to depend on the Lord far more than I ever had before, and I had to let Him be enough for me. I had to believe that He is all that I really need. I didn't have my family or friends close by. I couldn't send someone a text or call someone when I was really having a hard time. Well, maybe I could (and I did call home a lot), but not without it costing a lot of money! Let me tell you, there were certainly times I wished I had my family or friends there with me, and yet the Lord wanted me to learn to lean on Him so much more. I was able to meet a really neat couple and spend a couple days with them. Allison, the wife, and I were talking and she shared with me a quote that I really liked. I can't remember it exactly, but it was something like "When trouble comes, do you go to the phone or to the throne?" I love that! It is also very convicting to me. I believe one of the reasons the Lord brought me to Belize was to teach me to run to Him and not to people. I definitely have not mastered this lesson. I am a work in progress :-)

There is so much more I could write about - there are so many more things I could say that would show how amazing and faithful the Lord is to His people. Though I guess you could say I was expecting this summer to be fun and amazing, I would say it was more hard than fun, and yet because of the Lord it was still amazing. I am so thankful for the time I was able to spend in Belize. I am so thankful for the Lord daily showing me His sweet love and faithfulness. I am so undeserving and yet still He blessed me so much. I am also so thankful for all of my loved ones, all of my family and friends who I knew where faithfully praying for me and loving me. Knowing I had loved ones back home praying brought me tremendous encouragement during the hard times, and it blessed me so much to get on Facebook and read all the encouraging notes from people. I am so blessed. Philippians 4:13 is so true, as is all of God's Word - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I said at the beginning that the first week I was in Belize I often wondered how I would ever make it, and I can truly say that it was only through Christ. He never failed me, and He never will.

Acts 20:24

"But I do not consider my life of any account as dear to myself, so that I may finish my course and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify solemnly of the gospel of the grace of God." Acts 20:24

Acts is probably one of my favorite books of the Bible, and the above verse is one of my favorite verses. I read the book of Acts about a year ago, and decided that it is time to start reading it again. I remember being tremendously encouraged as I read through it.

Acts 20:17-38 is a passage in which I find a tremendous amount of encouragement and also find myself amazed by the apostle Paul. He explained how he was being led to go to Jerusalem - he did not know what would happen to him there but he knew that "bonds and afflictions" awaited him. Still, he then said that he did not consider his life dear to himself. This blows me away. I know for me personally it is very difficult to not think about myself. I find myself concerned with my desires, my plans, what works best for me. Yet, Paul was not this way. The calling the Lord had placed on His life was far more important to him than anything else. He fully understood what it meant to be a child of the King and trusted that his life was not his own. He completely entrusted his life to Christ. In chapter 21 verse 13 Paul even says "For I am ready not only to be bound, but even to die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus." Again we see that he did not consider his life as dear to himself. God's calling on his life and testifying of His grace were of greater importance to him.

There is so much we can learn from the life of Paul! Of course, the Lord has a unique plan and purpose for each and every one of His children. Unlike Paul, we may not be faced with having to die for Jesus, we may not be afflicted in the same way as he was. The question remains, though, are we going to surrender our lives to God's plan and purpose? Will we realize that our life is not our own to live? Or will we hold our lives dear to ourselves?

I am so far from perfect, and every day I am reminded how I am so unwilling to trust in the Lord with certain things. I am so thankful for His grace. I am so thankful for His mercy, which is new every morning. I just love to see Paul's heart for ministry, and how he loved Jesus more than his own life. I know that Paul was a sinner as well - he even said he was the worst of sinners (1 Tim. 1:15). I am so thankful that God can use sinners. May we all live to testify of His amazing grace.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD...

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD and whose trust is the LORD. For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

Yesterday, I happened to run across that verse, though I remember reading it many times before and always have been blessed by it. I noticed how twice in the first sentence it says to trust in the LORD, which to me seemed to be because Jeremiah is trying to make that point - we gotta trust the Lord. I just love those verses as they speak to me so much. Fear and worry is something I battle a lot, as many others do too I am sure. Lately, in my struggles, the Lord has been really convicting me that worry is evidence that I am not trusting in Him. It is so easy to rationalize my own worry, as it is with any sin, and think, "I'm just trying to figure things out" or "I'm just struggling" Bottom line is I'm not trusting Who I should be trusting, and hence the cause of the worry.

Here in Jeremiah we see so clearly that BLESSED is the man who trusts in the LORD. And then we have the example of a tree whose leaves remain green, even in the midst of heat. I love that, that even when the trials and pressures of life are attacking us, we don't have to let fear cause us to shrivel up and become worry and fear driven. We can be strengthened in the Lord, but we must trust Him and not focus on the fear.

We also see in these verses that even in the times of drought, the dry times where you feel as though you're in the desert, if we keep our trust in the Lord we won't have to be anxious. Even when things are hard and don't seem to make sense to us, we are called to simply trust. It is only when we are trusting that we can still bear fruit for Him. Apart from Him we can do nothing, and that's what worry does...it draws our heart and mind away from Him.

I'm taking a speech class, and so today as I was doing the assigned textbook reading I learned about the importance of communication, and what communication really is. The author explained that noise has a negative affect on communication, because it blocks out the message that is trying to be relayed. The author talked about how noise can interfere and keep the message from having the desired effect. The author explained how noise can be literal, such as a lawnmower, or it can be psychological, such as worry. When our mind is focused on our worries, then miscommunication can occur because we are not focused on what we are supposed to be learning or hearing. I thought about how the noise of our worries can easily drown out the communication we have with the Lord. So often I am guilty of not really focusing when I open up His Word or spend time with Him in prayer, instead I have the noise of my own thoughts, fears, and worries, drowning out His voice. I want to be able to lay all my fears and worries down at His feet, so that I can hear and receive all that He wants to teach me.

These are things the Lord has been showing me, though I am so far from perfect and wish that just knowing this would help my doubtful heart to trust. Praise the Lord for His mercy and grace which He pours out so freely on us every day, every moment. Lord, take this anxious and fearful heart and make it trusting.

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." John 14:27

"God doesn't often calm the storm around the man, but if the man is willing to trust He will calm the man in the storm." ~Unknown