Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Thoughts about Missions...

Lately, I have been thinking about missions. I realized that it has been over 6 months since I left for Belize, and it seems so crazy that it was that long ago. I really do miss it. I miss the people there so much. I have been thinking of "my" girls there a lot lately and I sure miss them. I miss our times at camp, I miss our talks, our devotions, and I miss their laughter and joy. I am so thankful for those girls and the blessing they were, and continue to be, to me.

I am so very thankful for the sweet reminders I have of those in Belize, and how the Lord has been once again stirring my heart for missions. Honestly, there was a time, only about a month or so ago, when I seriously doubted whether or not I would ever become a missionary. It was a very hard time in my life, and in my heart I was so afraid. My mind and heart were filled with anxious thoughts and terrifying "what if's", and I thought there was no way on earth that I could ever be a missionary. I remember telling God that I didn't want to be a missionary anymore, that I just couldn't do it. I cried so much during that prayer...that was one of the hardest things I ever prayed. I felt like the desire to be a missionary that had been inside my heart for so long was suddenly gone, and it really hurt. It felt like not only had I lost my heart's desire, but my joy was gone too. Thinking about my past mission trips, and future ones, often helped me during hard times, as I would remember God's faithfulness and His calling upon my life. It was weird and scary to not want to remember any of those things anymore, and to give up the desire that I had held inside my heart for so long.

The story doesn't end there...because God is so faithful. I am so thankful for a God who knows me intimately, who understands me, who loves me, and who is patient with me. I can't really explain how it happened, but slowly, as I began to wait on Him, I began to again long for missions, to long to serve the Lord in that way. With that renewed passion and desire in my heart, comes joy, and I am so incredibly thankful for God's faithful work in my life. I am thankful for those in my life who remind me of the things God has done in my life and has yet to do, and I am thankful that each day the Lord is faithful to remind me Himself.

I would be lying if I said that the fear is gone. I would be lying if I said I have no doubts. But, in a way, I am so thankful that God is taking me through this time. You see, as I said, I have had the desire to be a missionary for awhile now. I have felt pretty certain that that is where the Lord has been leading me, but still sometimes I would wonder "Is this God's desire for me, or is it only my desire?" I desperately want to do what God wants me to do, and so this thought was concerning to me at times. I now know without a doubt that it IS HIS desire and calling on my life.
As I said, I had told God that I no longer wanted to be a missionary, and I felt that I totally had lost that desire, and yet, still I knew in my heart that I was running from what He wants for me. During those days when I seriously doubted and feared, I knew deep down in my heart that God had called me to missions, and that if I turned my back on missions then I would be turning my back on God's calling on my life. I think that it why it hurt so much to contemplate the thought of not being in missions, because not only was it my desire, but it was HIS desire too. I am so thankful that He revealed that to me.

As I said before, I still have my fears, my worries, my concerns, but God has reminded me lately that I don't have to be strong enough, or good enough, or brave enough to be a missionary, because HE is. He has reminded me that when He places a calling upon someone's life, He also gives them the strength to fulfill that calling. He doesn't just leave us on our own and say "Good luck with that". I am so thankful for that.

In church on Sunday we sang the song "Made Me Glad" - that has always been one of my favorites. I love the chorus:

"You are my shield, my strength, my portion,
Deliverer, my shelter, Strong tower
My very present help in time of need"

This song reminded me that He IS my strength and my shield, and that it is actually a good thing that I recognize my weakness and my inability to do it on my own. Living by His strength and His grace is the best way to live.

I am so blessed, and so incredibly thankful to God for His faithfulness in my life, and for the people He has placed in my life to remind me of His faithfulness. As I said at the beginning, I am so thankful for my girls in Belize, and I am even thankful for the aching in my heart to be with them, because it reminds me of the Lord's working in my life. I am thankful that my time in Belize truly was a life changing experience. I am thankful that the Lord has renewed the desire in my heart to be a missionary, and I am thankful for His grace and strength to fulfill that calling He has placed upon my life.






Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:3-4