Growing Where I am Planted...

My Mom recently got me a new journal, which is one of my favorite things, and on the front it says "Grow where you are planted". She thought this was very appropriate for me, and she was right!

I've been having a very difficult time with where I am at right now, and honestly I have been struggling so much with being content. I was realizing how I can read quotes on contentment and write devotionals on contentment, but when it comes down to it, contentment is so much easier said than done, and I have been so discontent. I've been bringing this to the Lord, asking Him to help me to be content. He already knows my feelings and struggles, and I am so thankful for this. I don't have to pretend I have it all together when I come to Him...I can confess everything to Him, knowing that He doesn't despise my weaknesses.

As a lot of people know, I am currently in a study for a new drug for Cystic Fibrosis. While the possible benefits of this study are very exciting, this really has been a hard thing for me, and something which I have not wanted to do. I'm not exactly sure the reasoning for this. I have known that I don't want to be a part of this study, but why? It makes perfect sense to do it, and deep inside, I know that I know that I know that this is what the Lord wants me to do, so why have I been so against it, and why have I been feeling resentful inside about it? People ask me about the study, both at work and at church, and while I know I should feel so loved and blessed that people care enough to ask, it has been a hard question for me because inside I have been struggling so much with it. I believe that this all comes down to discontentment. I so need the Lord's grace and mercy, for Him to come and help me in this area of my life! I have been so discontent with where I am, and have wanted so much to be able to go back to another country and serve there, but right now this study is keeping me here. I need to look at it as not the study keeping me here, but instead, it is Jesus keeping me here for now because this is where He wants me.

One thing the Lord has been teaching me is that I can trust Him with the desires of my heart. Too often I let fear control me, and I even fear what will happen if I trust the Lord with the desires in my heart. I feel as though it's "too easy" to simply surrender it all to Him...when in reality sometimes it's really hard. The Lord has been so good to me, He has given me every reason to trust that He will take care of me. He has been so amazingly faithful to me. He knows the desire in my heart to be a missionary, I mean, after all, He put it there! He has led me to Germany, to Belize, to Montana, to Costa Rica, and I have followed...so if He leads me to stay here and travel to and from California, shouldn't I follow just the same? I want to follow Him with joy in my heart and not begrudgingly.

As it's been especially hard lately as I walk through this season of waiting, I know I must trust that this season of waiting doesn't mean He's forgotten me, but rather that He is preparing me. I am so comforted by the passage in Isaiah 49:15-16..."Can a woman forget her nursing child, and not have compassion on the son of her womb? Surely they may forget, yet I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; your walls are continually before Me."  

Some thoughts I wrote in my journal today...

Lord Jesus, help me not to despise where I am planted right now, but to grow where You have so lovingly planted me. I pray that I would remember Ecclesiastes 3, and that there is a time for every season. You make everything beautiful in it's time, and are faithfully working in all seasons of my life. Though this is a very hard season for me, help me to embrace it, to be thankful for every blessing You pour out on me, even through this hard time, please be my joy. Please help me to have strength to get up every day, even when I feel I lack all motivation to do so. Please use me where You have planted me.

I have a friend at work who always is such an encouragement and a blessing to me...he brightens my days so much, especially the hard ones. One time I had asked him to be praying for me because I was having a bad day, and he prayed for me right there on the spot...while standing at the door making sure people had their Costco cards. I still remember one time when I was talking to him he told me that right there (Costco) is his mission field. He then said something that has stuck with me. He said "Is it the one I'd choose? No. But it's the one He's given me." I feel as though those words speak so much to my heart right now. I've been so disappointed and hurting because of where I'm at, but am I going to allow my feelings to get in the way of how and where God wants to use me? Or will I humbly accept where He has placed me, just like my friend at work has, and allow Him to use me how He sees fit? A flower does not choose where it is planted, but grows wherever the Gardener plants it. 

Through this season in my life, I want to rejoice in Jesus, instead of walking around in discouragement. This is way easier said than done, as daily it has been a battle for me. I love the song "Good to Me" by Audrey Assad because it speaks to my heart:

"When I’m bowed down with sorrow I will lift up Your name
And the foxes in the vineyard will not steal my joy
Because You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me".

The Lord IS good to me. When I feel bowed down with sadness and discouraged, I want to CHOOSE to lift up His name, and not let circumstances steal the joy that is found in Christ.
God is good, and I want to serve Him where He has planted me. I want to be His light at Costco, in the airports, and at the hospital in California. I don't want people to look at me and see discontentment and a girl who wishes she was somewhere else...I want them to see Jesus. Oh Lord, help me in this. It's one thing to write a blog about this, but it's another thing to get up and live this each day. Thank you so very much to everyone who has been praying for me. Thank you for being excited for me as I do this drug study, and for caring enough to ask me about it. I really, honestly, appreciate it so much. God bless you all!