My Time in Belize...

Well, I have been back from Belize for about 2.5 weeks now. It is so great to be back home with my family, though I am so thankful for the time I had in Belize.

It is sort of hard telling people about Belize...because it feels like so much happened and it is hard knowing where to even begin. I guess I would begin by saying that Proverbs 16:9 is so true - "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps" - as well as Romans 8:28 - "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose". Though at the time I don't think I realized it, I went to Belize with plans of how the trip would go and my expectations of what things would be like, though I quickly found that things weren't as I expected. Even in this hard realization, I also found the promise of Romans 8:28 to be so true. There are so many times this summer that I have seen God use hard circumstances and trials for my good.

I was a little nervous about traveling by myself, as I have never traveled on my own and since I am directionally challenged I worried about getting lost and missing my connecting flight. I also knew it would be so hard to say goodbye and didn't know how I would handle it...I figured I would be very emotional. The Lord was so good and gave me such a peace through it all. Though it was hard saying goodbye, it wasn't as difficult as I had thought. It may sound silly, but I figured I could cry after I had left, and not cry in front of everyone. Once I got to my gate I could be sad and work through it. Yet, again, the Lord somehow gave me peace and no tears came. I found my connecting flight okay and even had time to call my parents one last time before boarding the plane for Belize. I was a little bit scared when I reached Belize and had to go through customs and collect my bags by myself, and yet still I felt the peace that surpasses understanding.

That night was a different story. I think it was partly due to the fact that I had been up since 3:15AM and so I was exhausted, but suddenly I realized how far from home I was, and how long I would be in Belize. It was then that I broke down and cried, missing my parents and wondering how in the world I would ever make it the next 2 months. Already it felt like I had been gone forever.

The first week went by incredibly slow, and I think it is partly because I had expected time to go by really fast. See, when I came in years past with the mission team, for the most part time flew by. We would only have a week or 10 days to cram in tons of activities, work, and outreaches, and so we were busy from morning to evening. Now that I was actually living in Belize and doing normal day to day things, time didn't move so quickly. Again, I would often think, "how am I ever going to make it?" I learned early on to take things one day at a time.

Through all of the challenges and fears I faced in Belize, the Lord never once failed me. Mornings were the hardest for me, as that is when I found myself missing home the most, and yet the mornings were also the sweetest as I was able to get away and have quiet time with the Lord. Those times were the best! I simply cannot describe how good the Lord is and how He met me. It wasn't necessarily anything profound or even Him directly speaking to me, but I felt His presence with me, and that gave me the strength I needed. I was reminded of the song lyrics "When we see You we find strength to face the day, and in Your presence all our fears are washed away" and that is so true. To be sure I had my hard times, and yet every time I cried out to the Lord He was there. He is so, so faithful.

One of the things I was most excited about doing in Belize was spending time with the girls that go to Calvary Chapel Cayo. I wanted to build friendships and be able to have devotional times with them. Soon after I got to Belize, Al Wylie and Nate Fanno, some friends from back home, came to do a week long youth camp with the kids from Calvary Chapel Cayo. To be honest, I was a little stressed about this as I was to be one of the leaders for the girls and didn't feel ready at all. Yet this week was one of the highlights of the my trip. I had such a sweet time with the girls and the Lord was so good and we connected very well. By the end of the week I had grown to love them all so much and hated that camp had to be over. I hope the girls were as blessed by the camp as I was! I loved spending time in the Word with them and seeing their hearts for the Lord.

It was also such a blessing being able to get to know the ladies of Calvary Chapel Cayo. I loved our visits and am so blessed to now know more of my sisters in the Lord.

I struggled a lot with fear while I was there. One of my biggest fears was what if something happened to me and I wasn't able to see my family again. I know, "what if's" are very dangerous because in my mind a lot can happen and if I focused on the "what if's" I would find myself fearful and discouraged. I had to once again learn to take every thought captive and trust. All my days are in the hand of Jesus and I had to trust that.

I was so blessed to meet several different teams that came to Belize. I connected with so many on the teams and was so blessed by their friendship and encouragement. It was so cool to meet fellow believers and it really opened my eyes to see that the church is so much more than our own body of believers at home - the church is all around the world. I loved spending time with my new friends, although I hated having to say goodbye. I kept thinking, "Man, I miss everyone back home so much and yet now there are always going to be people I will miss..." and yet I guess that is how life is. I guess it reminds us that this life is not about us, it's about serving the Lord wherever He places us, even if it means missing people. It also makes us more excited for the day in Heaven when we will all be together forever.

While in Belize the Lord used many different songs to bring me encouragement and comfort. One of the songs that brought me comfort was "Sufficient" by Adie Camp:

Hear my heart Lord as I cry out to You
Hear my prayer Lord and carry me through
In Your mercy in the promise You made
Be my strength Lord when my strength fades away

'Cause when I am weak Your strength is complete
It's perfect
Completely all I need
Sufficient for me
Your grace and peace are perfect
Completely all I need
You're all that I need

In my weakness I'm finding Your strength
In my sorrow a gentle embrace
Through the seasons of laughter or pain
You are listening
When I call out Your name

I'll find You when I seek
I'll look for You with all of my heart
And I'll find You when I'm weak

'Cause You are strong

Hear my heart Lord as I cry out to You
Hear my prayer Lord and carry me through
Carry me through

I love that song because it described so perfectly how I felt. I realized that I had often sung those words "You are all that I need" and yet did I really mean it? In Belize I had to learn to depend on the Lord far more than I ever had before, and I had to let Him be enough for me. I had to believe that He is all that I really need. I didn't have my family or friends close by. I couldn't send someone a text or call someone when I was really having a hard time. Well, maybe I could (and I did call home a lot), but not without it costing a lot of money! Let me tell you, there were certainly times I wished I had my family or friends there with me, and yet the Lord wanted me to learn to lean on Him so much more. I was able to meet a really neat couple and spend a couple days with them. Allison, the wife, and I were talking and she shared with me a quote that I really liked. I can't remember it exactly, but it was something like "When trouble comes, do you go to the phone or to the throne?" I love that! It is also very convicting to me. I believe one of the reasons the Lord brought me to Belize was to teach me to run to Him and not to people. I definitely have not mastered this lesson. I am a work in progress :-)

There is so much more I could write about - there are so many more things I could say that would show how amazing and faithful the Lord is to His people. Though I guess you could say I was expecting this summer to be fun and amazing, I would say it was more hard than fun, and yet because of the Lord it was still amazing. I am so thankful for the time I was able to spend in Belize. I am so thankful for the Lord daily showing me His sweet love and faithfulness. I am so undeserving and yet still He blessed me so much. I am also so thankful for all of my loved ones, all of my family and friends who I knew where faithfully praying for me and loving me. Knowing I had loved ones back home praying brought me tremendous encouragement during the hard times, and it blessed me so much to get on Facebook and read all the encouraging notes from people. I am so blessed. Philippians 4:13 is so true, as is all of God's Word - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I said at the beginning that the first week I was in Belize I often wondered how I would ever make it, and I can truly say that it was only through Christ. He never failed me, and He never will.

Acts 20:24

"But I do not consider my life of any account as dear to myself, so that I may finish my course and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify solemnly of the gospel of the grace of God." Acts 20:24

Acts is probably one of my favorite books of the Bible, and the above verse is one of my favorite verses. I read the book of Acts about a year ago, and decided that it is time to start reading it again. I remember being tremendously encouraged as I read through it.

Acts 20:17-38 is a passage in which I find a tremendous amount of encouragement and also find myself amazed by the apostle Paul. He explained how he was being led to go to Jerusalem - he did not know what would happen to him there but he knew that "bonds and afflictions" awaited him. Still, he then said that he did not consider his life dear to himself. This blows me away. I know for me personally it is very difficult to not think about myself. I find myself concerned with my desires, my plans, what works best for me. Yet, Paul was not this way. The calling the Lord had placed on His life was far more important to him than anything else. He fully understood what it meant to be a child of the King and trusted that his life was not his own. He completely entrusted his life to Christ. In chapter 21 verse 13 Paul even says "For I am ready not only to be bound, but even to die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus." Again we see that he did not consider his life as dear to himself. God's calling on his life and testifying of His grace were of greater importance to him.

There is so much we can learn from the life of Paul! Of course, the Lord has a unique plan and purpose for each and every one of His children. Unlike Paul, we may not be faced with having to die for Jesus, we may not be afflicted in the same way as he was. The question remains, though, are we going to surrender our lives to God's plan and purpose? Will we realize that our life is not our own to live? Or will we hold our lives dear to ourselves?

I am so far from perfect, and every day I am reminded how I am so unwilling to trust in the Lord with certain things. I am so thankful for His grace. I am so thankful for His mercy, which is new every morning. I just love to see Paul's heart for ministry, and how he loved Jesus more than his own life. I know that Paul was a sinner as well - he even said he was the worst of sinners (1 Tim. 1:15). I am so thankful that God can use sinners. May we all live to testify of His amazing grace.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD...

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD and whose trust is the LORD. For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

Yesterday, I happened to run across that verse, though I remember reading it many times before and always have been blessed by it. I noticed how twice in the first sentence it says to trust in the LORD, which to me seemed to be because Jeremiah is trying to make that point - we gotta trust the Lord. I just love those verses as they speak to me so much. Fear and worry is something I battle a lot, as many others do too I am sure. Lately, in my struggles, the Lord has been really convicting me that worry is evidence that I am not trusting in Him. It is so easy to rationalize my own worry, as it is with any sin, and think, "I'm just trying to figure things out" or "I'm just struggling" Bottom line is I'm not trusting Who I should be trusting, and hence the cause of the worry.

Here in Jeremiah we see so clearly that BLESSED is the man who trusts in the LORD. And then we have the example of a tree whose leaves remain green, even in the midst of heat. I love that, that even when the trials and pressures of life are attacking us, we don't have to let fear cause us to shrivel up and become worry and fear driven. We can be strengthened in the Lord, but we must trust Him and not focus on the fear.

We also see in these verses that even in the times of drought, the dry times where you feel as though you're in the desert, if we keep our trust in the Lord we won't have to be anxious. Even when things are hard and don't seem to make sense to us, we are called to simply trust. It is only when we are trusting that we can still bear fruit for Him. Apart from Him we can do nothing, and that's what worry does...it draws our heart and mind away from Him.

I'm taking a speech class, and so today as I was doing the assigned textbook reading I learned about the importance of communication, and what communication really is. The author explained that noise has a negative affect on communication, because it blocks out the message that is trying to be relayed. The author talked about how noise can interfere and keep the message from having the desired effect. The author explained how noise can be literal, such as a lawnmower, or it can be psychological, such as worry. When our mind is focused on our worries, then miscommunication can occur because we are not focused on what we are supposed to be learning or hearing. I thought about how the noise of our worries can easily drown out the communication we have with the Lord. So often I am guilty of not really focusing when I open up His Word or spend time with Him in prayer, instead I have the noise of my own thoughts, fears, and worries, drowning out His voice. I want to be able to lay all my fears and worries down at His feet, so that I can hear and receive all that He wants to teach me.

These are things the Lord has been showing me, though I am so far from perfect and wish that just knowing this would help my doubtful heart to trust. Praise the Lord for His mercy and grace which He pours out so freely on us every day, every moment. Lord, take this anxious and fearful heart and make it trusting.

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." John 14:27

"God doesn't often calm the storm around the man, but if the man is willing to trust He will calm the man in the storm." ~Unknown

Ready, Set, Pray...

Some of you reading this may know that I have been planning to go to Belize as an intern for Patrick and Deana this upcoming summer. It is something that I have been seriously considering since about last spring, and in August on the mission trip to Belize I had wanted the Lord to show me whether or not it was HIS desire for me to be an intern. I knew it was my desire, but I wanted to be sure it was also His. On that trip the Lord met me in such an awesome way. I struggled with missing home, which suddenly made me realize it would be terribly hard to be away for the summer, and yet the Lord so sweetly reminded me that HE is my home, just as the song goes... "You are my rest, You are my home, safe in Your arms, my Hideaway." I never really missed home before on the other two mission trips I had been on, not because I didn't miss my family, but on trips like that you are so busy that the time just flies. This trip didn't seem that way though for some reason, even though it was about the same amount of time as my trip to Germany was.The Lord taught me to depend on Him in a way I never before had, to depend on Him to be my home; my rest. I really think it was because the Lord was showing me that as I plan, as I get ready, as I go to Belize, I am totally dependent upon Him. In my own strength, I cannot do it. I simply can't. I can't think of being away from my family and friends that long. I get nervous when I think that this will be the first mission trip I am going on without a team of friends coming alongside me. There is no way I can do this alone; it has to be the Lord...which is how it should be.

I get so excited when I think about what the Lord will do on this trip. I can't wait to spend time with the McCusker family and love on little Chasey and Kylan. I am so excited to go see the girls again who live in the neighborhood. They are all so sweet and I can't wait to be able to see them again and get to know them more. I can't wait to meet new people and build new relationships.

Even now though, about 6 months before I am even going, I feel the fear that threatens to overwhelm me. Lately right before I fall asleep, I seem to often think about Belize. Of course I am excited, but lying there at night is when the worries and fears begin to creep into my mind. Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not, for I am with you, Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." I find so much comfort, so much peace in that verse. The Lord is just so good! I have all of His promises He has made to me, every single one He is faithful to keep. I surely do not go alone.

I simply cannot wait for the summertime, and even now it is so exciting to see the Lord's provisions for the trip. This morning for Christmas my parents gave me some money to put towards the trip, on the package my Mom wrote "Proverbs 3:5-6" When I opened it, it was money and my Dad told me it was for my trip. It made me so happy, not only to be that much closer to funding the trip (now I have about half a month's funding, yay!!), but to have their support in this. I know that it is hard for them to let me go, even if it is just for the summer. The Lord is faithful and I know that just as He will provide me with peace and strength, He will give them that as well.

Have I mentioned how excited I am? Because I AM SO EXCITED! I think that there is nothing more exciting than knowing the Lord is with you in what you are doing, and knowing that you don't have to pretend to be strong enough, or brave enough. HE is strong enough, and His perfect love casts out all fear. There is nothing to fear when you're in the center of God's will. Thank You, Jesus.

Psalm 56:9-10 "Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call; This I know, that God is for me. In God, whose word I praise, in the LORD, whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."

Deuteronomy 31:8 "The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

"God's work, done in God's way, will never lack God's supplies." Hudson Taylor

"When I can't see You I know You're there
When I can't feel You I will not fear
I will trust in You and I will not be afraid
When the battle is close at hand
Though You're with me and help me stand
I will trust in You and I will not be afraid

I will not be afraid
I will not be afraid
I will trust in You
I will trust in You
I will trust in You"

(Jeremy Camp, "Trust in You")

John 3:30

"He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30

Now that is a verse that my flesh greatly struggles against. It is SO against my flesh to ask the Lord to increase and myself to decrease, because basically my flesh wants everything all about me, though what a contrast that is to how we are called to live. In Luke 9:23 Jesus said that if we want to come after Him we must deny ourselves, take up our crosses daily, and follow Him. Once again, the whole denying self thing is difficult, as it is so against what I in myself want and even against what this world teaches.

I guess I am in the process of learning (and always will be I am sure!) to be driven by the Lord's desires and wants for my life, rather than my own. Reading John 3:30 tonight I was encouraged, because that is what I so need all the time. Lately as I have been thinking about my life, where I want to go and what I want to do, I am learning to simply surrender it all to the Lord. I'm learning to not be guided by my emotions and what I want, but to simply wait on the Lord and let Him lead me to what He wants for me, and to trust that His desires are far better than any of mine. Lord, decrease me in all areas of my life, so that You might increase.

"Holy fire burn away

My desire for anything
That is not of You and is of me
I want more of You
And less of me

Empty me, empty me,

Fill me with You, with You"

Waiting as He is Working

I read a quote by Corrie Ten Boom that I loved - "Picture a piece of embroidery placed between you and God, with the right side up towards God. Man sees the loose, frayed ends; but God sees the pattern."

That brings me a lot of comfort, and hope, because sometimes life doesn't make sense. Sometimes, like lately, I wonder what the Lord is doing in my life, I wonder how He is working even when things don't seem right. It brings joy to know that even though right now all I see is the frayed, loose ends that don't look very pretty, He is indeed working something beautiful in my life.

My job is to simply trust Him and wait on Him as He works on me. It doesn't always seem that simple though, and lately I have been feeling unsure of what He is doing in my life presently. I feel like things are changing and I miss the things of the past and at the same time I'm excited for the future, but don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing right now, I feel like I'm in an "in between" stage in my life and I desperately wish that the Lord would reveal Himself to me in a powerful way and show me where He wants me.

I guess as humans we tend to think we need to have everything all planned out, and if we feel unsure about things, we are supposed to figure everything out and know exactly what is going on. How important to learn that there are times we simply cannot know what is going on, and we can't figure everything out, no matter how hard we try. It is so assuring to know that even when we feel confused and unsure, God knows. Even when we don't know exactly which path to take, God knows. Even when we don't have the answers to the questions that come to mind, God knows. It doesn't necessarily make things all of a sudden easier, but it brings peace knowing we can trust the One who does know all things, the One who has promised right in His Word to work everything for good if we love Him and are called according to His purpose.

I do know that right now at this very moment in time, He has called me to serve Him, to worship Him, and to wait on Him.

I am learning to wait on Him as He is working, and to trust that He is making something beautiful, even if I can't see it right now.

"While I'm waiting, I will serve You

While I'm waiting, I will worship

While I'm waiting, I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait"

"Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:31

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Joy

"Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you." ~John 16:22

This evening I wasn't quite sure where I was going to read, but I knew I wanted to read a few verses in the Bible because I knew I needed it. So I opened to where I had a slip of paper still in my Bible and read in John 16 where I had underlined that above verse.

The overhead title in my Bible for John 16:16-24 is "Sorrow Will Turn to Joy" I love the promise of verse 22. How that our hearts will rejoice and nobody shall take away that joy.

I don't know, but it just encouraged me so much. It reminded me that no matter what we face in this life we will in the end have joy. And joy forever. I think that no matter how big the pain or struggles may be that we are facing, the joy will be great and stronger. These struggles are just temporary whereas our joy will be everlasting. It is everlasting. I'm so thankful that the Lord gives us some of that joy even here on earth, so that His joy can be our strength daily. I thought how cool it is that though the Lord tells us we will have trouble in this life, He also tells us we will have joy forever if only we believe in Him.

So basically it just really encouraged me. I know there are crazy, crazy things happening in this world today, and it was a great reminder how we as disciples of Christ get to hold onto that promise, the promise of everlasting life and joy. I wonder how often we forget to hold onto that, I know I do. But I'm very thankful that the Lord is so patient despite my sin and blesses me by bringing to my memory how much I really need to hold onto that joy. He is good.

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." John 16:33