Before
going on a mission trip, there always seems to be a lot of spiritual warfare.
I’ve been on many mission trips, and each time this has been the case. I wish
that knowing this would make it somehow easier when the attacks come, but it
really doesn't.
One of my
biggest fears of going to Africa is that something might happen to a loved one
while I’m there. It’s hard for me to think of being so far away if something
happens. I know that God has called me to Uganda and will be faithful to take care
of me there, but somehow I struggle more with trusting Him to take care of my
family here.
Some of you
might know that my grandpa passed away a few days ago. He had been very sick
for a little over a week, and it was a hard week for our family. It’s hard
seeing someone you love suffer, it’s hard seeing someone you love hurt, and
it’s hard seeing someone in the process of dying. I had never before witnessed
this, and it’s difficult. We knew grandpa’s time was short, but we didn’t really
know how long. We didn’t know if it was weeks, days, or hours. Only God knew.
Because of this, I began thinking of my upcoming trip to Africa, and how it’s
quickly approaching. I struggled at the thought of going while my grandpa was
so ill and close to passing. I felt as though me leaving for Uganda was me
walking out on my family during a difficult time. I felt like maybe I was being
selfish. I struggled, wondering if maybe I should postpone my trip. Also during
this time, I found out that if I leave on the 29th as I planned, I
would be flying alone. I planned to travel with a couple others, but things
happened and they were having to postpone their trip. I had been so very
excited and thankful to not have to make this trip alone, and so I felt really
disappointed. I also felt really nervous about making the trip alone even
though I did it last time. I wondered if maybe it was God telling me I too
should postpone due to my family’s circumstances. Somehow though, I felt no
peace about postponing, even though that’s really what I wanted. Don’t get me
wrong, I’m super excited to be back in Uganda. I can’t wait to be back with the
James’ and to be with the children once again, but with everything going on
here, I was struggling with the timing of it all. Last week, one of my pastors prayed for me as I shared these struggles and how I felt so torn inside on what
I should do. He told me I needed to ask not what should I do, but how would God
be most glorified in this situation? I came home and I talked to my parents and
they assured me they still wanted me to go to Uganda when originally planned if
that’s what I wanted to do. I felt better after talking to them, but I still
felt a little unsure.
The next
morning I was having my devotion time, and I felt so amazed by how God so clearly
spoke to me through His Word. I have been doing the One Year Bible reading
plan, and that day’s reading included a section in Matthew that spoke of the
cost of discipleship.
“Then
another of His disciples said to Him,
‘Lord, let
me first go and bury my father.’
But Jesus
said to him, ‘Follow Me, and let the dead bury their own dead.’”
~Matthew
8:21-22
This spoke
so powerfully to me…it was as if God bent down from heaven and spoke
right to my very situation. I struggled with wanting to be here when my grandpa
passed, and for the funeral and all that goes along with it. I struggled
with wanting to be there for my dad through it all, and yet I felt in my heart
the call that I needed to go. Those verses spoke so loudly straight to my
heart, as I was reminded that Jesus had called me, and I needed to
follow.
My grandpa
passed away on Monday at 8:02PM. I’m thankful that I was able to be here.
Last year,
a week before I left for Uganda, my dog passed away, and now it’s my grandpa.
It can be hard for me to understand the timing of things like this, but
honestly I feel that it is God being merciful to me. God is so merciful and good to
have allowed me to be here. God is also so merciful and good to allow me to go
to Uganda in less than two short weeks. He knows that I love it in Uganda, and
that it brings a special joy to my heart; a joy that I need right now.
There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning.
Last week I
really struggled with the thought of going to Uganda alone as originally planned. I wanted to
change my ticket and go with the others, and it seemed to make so much sense to
do so! I now see why I felt no peace in that, because God knew my grandpa would
pass before I left. It also sounds like I will not be going alone anymore, and
I’m very thankful for that. I’m thankful that God gave me the grace to trust
Him and follow His lead. I think that last week was God asking me, “Are you
still going to trust and follow Me?” One thing I’ve learned: it is always worth
it, even when it’s painful and makes no earthly sense.
As hard as
the last couple of weeks have been, I am so thankful for the greatness of God and
His faithfulness to walk beside us in the hard times. Though the death of my
grandpa awakens my fear that something may happen to a loved one while I’m
away, I know that it’s all in God’s hand. I may not always be able to be here
when things happen, but I’m thankful that this time I was. I’m thankful for
those sweet moments I was able to sit at his bedside and tell him I loved him,
I'm thankful I've been able to be there with my grandma as she mourns the loss
of her husband, and I’m thankful I’ve been able to be here with my family
during this time. I may not understand God’s ways or timing, but with all my
heart I know that His ways are merciful and His timing is perfect.
"It seemed to her at that moment that all the pain and the postponement, all the sorrows and trials of the long journey she had made, were as nothing compared to the glory which shone before her."
~Hannah Hurnard ("Hinds Feet on High Places")
“When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful”
~Phil Wickham
No comments:
Post a Comment